Why Hasn't He Called?
by Kat Richter

Lego girl talking to a friend on the phone about why her date hasn't called.

We've all been there: you had a great first date, a great first kiss and you've already spent half of your paycheck on a killer outfit for your next date. But he hasn't called. And it's been three days.

You're checking your cell phone every fifteen minutes. You've started asking your friends to call you just to make sure there isn't something wrong with the signal, because you know that happens sometimes - cell phones just stop receiving calls for no apparent reason. By the time the weekend rolls around, you're in a complete panic: maybe your date got run over on his way home from the restaurant? Maybe he was mugged? Maybe, just maybe, he was abducted by aliens?

Before you file a missing persons report (or waste any more time staring hopefully at your iPhone), take a deep breath. This kind of thing happens, and unfortunately it happens pretty often. And not just to women.

Why? Well, we're all human. We change our minds, we get scared off, we lose track of time or simply don't know any better. Sometimes we even misread things - what seemed like a great date to you might have been torture to your crush - so put down your phone and consider the following.

Confused

It's possible that your date is confused. Maybe they don't know if they want to see you again and are taking some time to figure it out. Maybe they had a great time you but thought you might not be interested in them. Maybe they're shy and too nervous to make the first move in terms of post-date follow up. Either way, there's not a whole lot you can do except be patient.

You can, of course, pick up the phone and make the call yourself, but we'll get to that later.

Getting Out of a Relationship

Another possibility is that your date is just getting out of a relationship. You might be wondering why he (or she) bothered to go out with you in the first place but maybe his friends convinced him to go out with you in the hope that it would help him to get over his ex, or he thought he was ready but he's not.

If this is the case, it's only natural to feel used. You invested your time and emotional energy in someone who wasn't ready, but it's better to know now (rather than later) that your date is still hung up on his ex. Think how much harder it would have been if you'd invested several months of time and emotional energy in a relationship that your crush just wasn't ready for. You'd probably be throwing your iPhone into the wall (or perhaps your crush's head) rather than simply checking your messages.

On the flip side, there is always the chance that your date is in fact over his or her ex, and is really and truly into you, but they're worried about making the same mistakes they made in their last relationship. In this case, as with the others, all you can do is be patient and assure them that you're not looking to rush into anything.

The Player

Unfortunately, if you're dating a player, no amount of patience is going to change that. And let's face it: some people just want to have their cake and eat it too. They have no interest in settling down - at least not right now - and they'll let the slightest excuse get in the way of seeing you again.

Maybe they're annoyed that you didn't sleep with them on a first date, or maybe something (or someone) else has piqued their interest. Chances are you'll get a booty call sooner or later, or a last minute invitation to "meet up" or "hang out," but don't hold your breath. Last minute means, "I'm not really interested in you but my other plans fell through." In this case, be thankful that he or she hasn't called.

Not Interested

By now, we're all familiar with the phrase "He's just not that into you." Its genius is in its simplicity. As women, we tend to read into things, especially things that men do or don't do. When it comes to the post date follow up, we can be damn good at making excuses (abducted by aliens? Really?) and the more optimistic members of our sex will hold out the hope that he simply lost his phone, or our number, or the ability to speak because like we said earlier, he got run over on his way home from the restaurant.

Unfortunately no amount of rationalizing is going to change the fact that he (or she) isn't interested. So accept it and move on.

What to Do

Moving on, of course, is easier said than done so we've put together a few options for you in today's homework section.

Homework

  • all him. Why not? There's nothing that says you have to sit around and wait for him to call you. This is the twenty-first century. If you think he's shy or confused or simply needs a gentle nudge in the right direction, then get in touch. Just be prepared to walk away if it turns out that he didn't contact you because he didn't want to.
  • Walk away. If you're tired of sitting alone in your apartment waiting for your phone to ring, then do something about it. No one's making you sit there - you are - so don't let him, or the absence of him, ruin another perfectly good evening. Call your friends, go for a hike, do whatever it is that makes you happy.
  • Vent. Call up a trusted girlfriend for some good ole' fashioned trash talk. Stop shy of the drunken text (and resist any and all homicidal thoughts) but get it out. Once you do, you'll be able to start getting over it.

And now, for extra credit, plan a new first date with somebody else.

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