Love and Dating Jokes
However, at bedtime, Joseph realized that he would need his wife, who always woke up at 4:30am to wake him at 5:00am for golf with his friends. Not wanting to lose the battle of wills, Joseph wrote on a piece of paper,
"Natalie, please wake me at 5:00am."
The next morning, Joseph woke up at 9:00am, having missed the golf game with his friends. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper on the bedside table.
"Joseph, it's 5:00am. Wake up."
About a week later, Julie went to John saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle but the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, John."
The next day, John received a response from his mother that read:
"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."
The boy just looked at her for a few moments, but then reluctantly paid her the money and they did their thing. After getting dressed again, the boy sat quietly in the driver's seat listening to the radio and looking out of the front window.
"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a taxi driver and the fare back to town is $125."
The question is: Who was the survivor?
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place anyway. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. (Women, that is the end of the joke, stop reading. Men, scroll down)
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, that means the perfect woman must have been driving. Which explains why there was an accident in the first place. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, it illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get excited and are leaving the elevator when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they're missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck, just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it! Be strong, I love you."
After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says: "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck....he was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you, too!"
Jessica responds: "That's disgusting! I don't have to answer that question!"
So the teacher asks little Johnny, who responds: "That's easy...the pupil of the eye."
"That's correct, Johnny. Very good!"
And turning to Jessica, she says: "I've three things to say to you, young lady... first, you didn't do your homework; second, you have a dirty mind; and third, you're in for a big disappointment!"
"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you...That's why I stopped doing it." (Jean, 10)
How to Make Love Endure
"Don't forget your wife's name...That will mess up the love." (Roger, 8)
"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the garbage." (Randy, 8)
How Do You Decide Who To Marry?
"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." (Alan, age 10)
"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with." (Kirsten, age 10)
How Can A Stranger Tell If Two People Are Married?
"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." (Derrick, age 8)
What Do Most People Do On A Date?
"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. (Lynnette, age 8)
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." (Martin, age 10)
Is It Better To Be Single or Married?
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them." (Anita, age 9)
How Would You Make a Marriage Work?
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck." (Ricky, age 10)
"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"